My good friend, Kerry Katona, has just confirmed that she has been offered the job of promoting a new 'Cad-burys everyone if you eat this sh*t', chocolate bar. The new coffin filling confectionary is to be called 'Meltdown'. I replied that that this was just up her street. Having a 'Meltdown' with Kerry sounds too good to miss!
Katie 'Jordan' Price, not content with successfully saturating the market with the most facile of products, has had another brainwave for an addition to her 'Cheap n' Nasty' collection. The idea struck her down as she was training for the London marathon with panting Peter Andre. She has designed a new putrid pink sports bra for the well endowed - but this one's for her husband!
Mini actor and raconteur, Matt Horne, has suffered another blow to his confidence. Trouble is brewing for his new range of 'comedy' deckchairs. The 'Relax with the Horne' beach essentials have been a moderate hit with the 'youth'. Nicky Campbell, who tested the chairs on 'Consumer Deathtraps', said they were fine for a while, then they just collapsed and could not be re-assembled for a good ten minutes. 'They could kill someone', said the sombre Scot. Health and safety minister, Lord McKenzie of Luton Airport, has bellowed for the immediate return of all the chairs. Looks like the end of Matt's 'Life's a Beach' business!
Top sports reporter Claire Balding's secret is out. Having humiliated Grand National winning jockey Liam Treadwell in front of millions of viewers, telling him he could now afford to 'get his teeth done', the hedge jumper has hit back in this months issue of 'Manure' magazine.
"Just because she was 'Champion Lady Rider' in 1990, doesn't give her the right to criticize my teeth on national TV,' said the troubled Treadwell. "Next time she's on screen just remember that she has a huge bald patch on the back of her head which takes BBC hairdresser to the stars, Bunny Groomer, hours to attempt to disguise. You'll never see a behind shot of Balding. So laugh at her, not me!"
Looks like Treadwell knows how to sink his triangular teeth into a good old bitching session!
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