This is a shocking story regarding the shenanigans going on behind the austere door of number 10. Keeping the public in the dark appears to be the remit of all governments, but this takes the biscuit. So make yourself a cup of tea, sit back, put your best "I don't believe it!" expression on your face and lets dip that biscuit into another steaming hot cup of controversy.
The instigator of the whole affair was Tony 'Time Team' Robinson. Not content with presenting the most bum-numbing show in broadcasting, Tony 'Baldrick' Robinson decided to stick his nose into Parliamentary stuff.
Tony got a taste for meddling when he presented 'Britain's Real Monarch' in 2004. He traced the Queen's family tree and decided that it was a load of boll**ks, and that an Australian bloke called Michael Abney-Hastings should be King. Abney-Hastings looked embarrassed when Robinson presented him with a scroll 'proving' his claim to the throne, and told tiny Tony to sod off. Robinson was disappointed with the affable Aussie's reaction and came back to Britain with his tail between his legs and another sh*t show on his hands.
Making use of his hysterical research expertise, Robinson persuaded new digital channel, 'Men and Bloaters' to commission his new project, 'Who the f*ck do you think you are?' - a show which sees z-list celebs crying over their dead relatives being revealed as a bunch of Victorian thieves and not Cleopatra. Viewing figures were lower that Richard and Judy's new digital show, 'Water-divining with Richard and Judy'. It was crunch time for Robinson. He needed a big star to pull in the punters, so he sold his house and secured the talents of 'Tricks of the Mind' supremo Derren Brown.
That's when the sh*t hit the fan. Digging around in his family history, Robinson found out that mind-bender Derren had a legitimate claim to the UK Premiership, and I'm not talking about football. Tony produced another one of his famous scrolls showing the 'British Prime Minister fate-tree' and presented it to an ecstatic Derren. Derren took the bait and believed he had a right to rule, so he hotfooted it to Downing Street.
He met with Deputy PM Harriet Harman, as she was the only member of the Cabinet not involved in a scandal at that time. She gasped gleefully as Derren unrolled his parchment and revealed all. Harman left the room to call arch-enemy Gordon Brown on the hotline.
Gordon was in flight to the Galapagos Islands trying to avert war between the locals and BBC presenter Jeremy Clarkson. Clarkson was there filming 'Top Gear Galapagos' and causing chaos by running over the Island's endemic species as he sped around in a new model of Smart car especially built for the tropics. Clarkson was unrepentant at his mashing of reptiles, claiming that, "Engineering was more important than evolution and environmental rubbish."
He was furious when he heard that the 'one-eyed Scottish idiot' was on his way. Brown, however, was hoping to befriend Clarkson as he had been an admirer of Jez's big eighties hair, and one of his main regrets at climbing the political greasy pole was that he had had to trim his own 'white man's afro' down, and adopt the 'flathead' look.
Harman revelled in her call to Gordon, demanding that he did a u-turn and get back to hand in his resignation. She faxed him a copy of Derren's claim. Brown bowed his head in despair, a broken man. All his dreams were over. He ordered the pilot to return to Blighty, and 'Browngate' was in full force.
Clarkson was informed of Browngate during a peace conference in Baltra. Asked what he thought of the new British Prime Minister, he called Derren 'a three-eyed Geeky Tw*t', sparking yet more controversy because that's his real job. A riot ensued and Clarkson made plans to escape as an apology was out of the question.
Derren couldn't wait to be PM and using his mind powder (by putting it in the tea) took over the running of Downing Street, phoning President Obama first to tell him the news of his coup. Obama asked him if he was a lover of his stimulus package. Derren replied that he was quite capable of conjuring up his own money to get Britain out of its crisis and Obama laughed and put down the phone. Derren found he didn't have to change too much around the office, just score out 'Gordon' on important matters of state and replace it with 'Derren'. He then set about using his massive memory to learn all the VIP phone numbers he could find.
Derren had been PM for an hour when Harman led a flustered Tony Robinson into his office. A nervous Tony stared at the floor as he spoke.
"Sorry Derren, I got it wrong! You have no right to be Prime Minister. I hadn't realised you spelt your name with a pretentious 'e' instead of the usual 'a' as in the bog standard 'Darren'. It's Darren Brown who should be PM on my PM fate-tree, not you. And Darren died four years ago."
A furious, desperate Derren tried to take over Tony's mind with his hypnokinetic powers but he couldn't penetrate Baldrick's thick skull.
"You pathetic excuse for a man!" he shouted at Robinson, "A cunning plan my ar*e! A c*nt's plan more like! You've made me look as dumb as you are. I'm off. I've got a show to do in a disused Church in Brixton, so fu*k you!"
Derren stomped off, slamming the door behind him. A devastated Harriet Harman phoned up Gordon and told him he was now Prime Minister again. She softened the blow of her own humiliation by informing him that his personal popularity rating with the British public was now at minus one million percent. Brown jumped up in glee and ordered the pilot to do a u-turn back to the Galapagos Islands, but by this time Clarkson had left.
Robinson was in a jam: bankrupt and left with no TV career, and back living in a box room at Rowan Atkinson's pad. Then a miracle happened. Channel four re-commissioned the turgid 'Time-Team' and wanted Tony back on bored. He's now saving up for a mortgage deposit and has stopped barking up the wrong family trees.
And what of the others? Harriet is still stabbing Brown in the back as Super Gordon continues trying to save both the world and his popularity rating. Clarkson is causing chaos on the island of Lesbos, speeding around in a new updated, souped-up Reliant Robin, and Derren Brown has his special memory of f**king up being Britain's Prime minister for one hour. Such is life.
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