Kate Moss pregnant for two years!

My close personal supermodel ex-friend Kate Moss has just informed me that she has indeed been pregnant for two years, as leaked by 'The Daily Maul' recently.

She is still allowed to smoke as her baby is thought to be an elephant-human hybrid, and nicotine is good for dumbos. I'm pleased for Kate as this will be a first for the human race and is a very exciting time for her. I have gifted her an ivory cot for the toddler at great expense.

But readers, you will doubtlessly have sensed that I am angry with Kate. This is due to an ex-colleague and ex-close personal friend of mine who has wormed his way into Kate's affections and left me bereft of visits in my luxuriant padded cell from my beloved waif. His name, readers, is Sir Philip Green.

Phil and I were once great buddies; climbing K2 together, treks across the Sahara, producing the excellent comedy film, 'Ishtar' (with Dusty Hoffman and Wazza Beatty), but things turned sour. Phil arrogantly refused to invest in one of my financial schemes and ever since that black day in '88, we have not spoken. Moss is therefore a traitor in my eyes and I can only hope that one day she will see sense and end her silly 'Top-Shop' caper with this buffoon. Money isn't everything, Moss!