Susan Boyle Has wowed the world, with millions watching her heart-rending two minute performance on YouTube: where she proves that even 'not very attractive' people can nearly hold a tune. This magical revelation has them screaming in the aisles, hypnotizing half of Hollywood and reducing the whole of Great Britain to tears. "What recession?" Britain shouts, "We're on the Boyle!" Self-respect and showbiz fun have been restored to the land.
Susan, the most sizzlingly sensational singer Britain has ever produced, claims that one half of her is 47-years-old. The other half, I can exclusively reveal, is to be aged by carbon-dating mogul Dr Theo Fossilophillous. Her cat, Pebbles, is not so sure about the fame. "It's a pis*er, to be honest," says the famous feline, "I can't sh*t in my litter tray without some ba*tard clicking his camera through the window. I hope she flops, or it's the gin and whiskas for me!"
A reliable source has informed me that Susan has been snapped up by 'Pretty Dotty', the ladies hosiery firm. Yes lads, American Tan tights are coming back! Another cosmetic giant, 'Rimmer', are desperately seeking Susan to promote their new 'Denis Healey' bushy eyebrow kit so anyone can 'Get the loner look'. Boyle is steaming right now.
The sultry spinster has struck another blow for dowdy 47-year-old virgins worldwide. The West Lothian wonder has got the Pope in her pocket and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in her hot, sweaty palms. Attending a performance Susan gave near the Great Pyramid of Giza, the two were bewitched by her rays of rhapsody, and are now fighting over her like dogs on heat. Odds are on the Pope to win this one, with Susan being a virginal church singer. So, looks like the Vatican'll soon be Boyle-ing over! Let's hope this Boyle doesn't burst, or it'll leave one helluva mess.
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