My good friend, Bono, has foxed everyone again. The picture on the left of him soaking up the sun like a dead meerkat has been splashed on tabloids worldwide. This was a deliberate act by the most ingenious of all businessmen. Bono was flashing his ever-developing man boobs (or 'moobs') to prepare the West for his new range of man bras which will be hitting the shops soon for the summer season. They have already been a hit in Japan where he has started on his 'Bono's Busty Bikini's' range. U2's last single was originally called 'Get on your Moobs', but Bono thought that the West was not prepared enough for the concept. The UK range with be called 'Elevation and Separation' by Bono. I, myself, can't wait to purchase one of Bono's up-lifters as my moobs are busting out all over. I can only hope his range includes a minimiser-manimiser bra!
I was out on day release trying to track down Paris Hilton for a hot scoop when I bumped into a casual acquaintance of mine, Tom Cruise, in a seedy bar called 'Tits n' Spirits'. He saw me before I could escape, jumped over the bar and proceeded to show-off as he made me a 'Slow Comfortable Screw'. Cruise went on to talk about his adventures between the sheets. After boring me with his sex life for what seemed like a lifetime, I made towards the door as he bent down to pick up the box of maraschino cherries he'd just knocked over. As I opened the door I hear him squeal, "Hey Bernie man! Bernie! Don’t'cha want the comfortable screw?" I headed out into the night cringing. I've never been able to 'bond' with Cruise. I just hate that man's cocktails!
Sex addict, Russell Brand's in a spot of bother again. As he was out pacing the streets sticking his nose into the G20 protests, a close personal friend of mine got close enough to the Ponderland prancer to spy the fact that he had some rather dubious looking stains on his tight, black velvet man's leggings. I've spared you the photographic detail. It may be no coincidence that Russell is hotly sought after to appear on 'Strictly Cum Dancing' this year. Currently, Russell is also heroically engaged in a war of words with Jack Straw through the use of his persona 'rustyrockets' on the social networking (and news gathering!) site known as 'twitter'. My friend suggested to me that Russell should change his 'twitter' moniker to 'crustypockets'. I did laugh!
My close personal friend, actress Sienna Miller, is having a horrific time. The US critics have slated her new film, 'The Mysteries of Hairy Pittsburgh'. New York post critic Lou Lemenick wrote: "You know a movie's got problems when the most memorable thing about it is Sienna Miller's moustache." Well, Lou, let me tell you that Sienna has let her hair grow to show her support for hirsute women around the world. She plans to bring out a new range of female facial-hair care products called 'Sienna's Shavers', and will star in the ad where she will be bravely filmed removing her moustache. Sienna told me, "I was promised that they would airbrush out my hairy lip but they obviously didn't do such a great job. Still, I'm a Miller, so I'll just grind this one out." That's my girl!
I would just like to take this opportunity to congratulate Gary Lineker for taking more exotic holidays this year that even Prince Charles has managed. Well-done sir. The 'NewsSpin lazing away the year' award is winging it's way to you.
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