Bob Quick's lunch-time leaks!

Anti-terror chief Bob Quick was forced to quit this week due to his inability to buy a ring binder as his local Woolies had shut down, and he and his crack team hadn't yet sourced another supplier.

Quick won't be missed by the entertainment world either as I can now reveal the other secret gaffs committed by 'Blunderbuss Bob', and first on the list is the on-line leaking of 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine' starring sex-god Hugh Jackman.

As top security chief, Quick gets sent top-secret DVD's of all films pre-release so he can scan them for anti-terror codes and subliminal messages. Unfortunately, whilst Quick was having a mug of tea and a jam doughnut, his mug slipped and knocked a button on his keyboard, which sent the film cascading into cyberspace. Panic ensued but it was too late. A million fans had downloaded the film by lunchtime. A Quick cover-up was ordered.

At a press conference, Hugh Jackman said, "It's a serious crime and there's no doubt it's very disappointing – I was heartbroken by it. The FBI are on to it and they're taking it very, very seriously. Rest assured that person will be found. Obviously, people are seeing an unfinished film, It's like a Ferrari without a paint job."

Or a Bob Quick without a childminder. Well Hugh, heal your heart because your man had been tracked down.

Another Blunderbuss Bob classic concerned a train journey he took two weeks ago. Bob had his laptop with him and a top-secret DVD of all the semi-finalists that head of ITV Simon Cowell wanted in his upcoming television blockbuster, 'Britain's Got No Talent'. Quick was ordered to scan the hopefuls for any terror links so they could be cleared for the saintly entertainment show.

Bob had had a few before the journey, so he promptly fell asleep and snored his way to Blackpool. When he awoke, His laptop had gone with the DVD still in it. Panic ensued but it was too late. A Quick cover-up was ordered. Cowell was informed and has not spoken to Bob since. MI6 are still on the case trying to recover the DVD.

When I asked TV's Ant and Dec about it, they stared at me in shock and claimed to know nothing, "We div'nt naa what yar talkin' aboot," they replied in unison. Cowell really keeps those smug little millionaire munchkins in the dark!

Blunderbuss Bob also sparked hatred at the BBC in late March. Whilst catching a taxi to his local branch of Burger King, Bob became engaged in a lively conversation with the taxi driver concerning the softly-softly police tactics for the as then upcoming G20 protests. He was so engrossed that when he arrived at his high-powered lunch meeting, he left an uncovered file on the backseat containing the storylines for 'Eastenders' for the whole year.

As security chief, Quick has to vet the soaps concerning any anti-terror plotlines they may have or any subliminal messages in the scripts. The taxi driver didn't notice the gaff and it is thought that one of his passengers took the file, enticed by the lovely picture of luscious Larry 'Archie' Lamb on the front page.

Bob didn't realise till later that evening when the 'Eastenders' theme tune played on his TV while he was cooking his goose. Panic ensued but it was too late. A Quick cover-up was ordered. The BBC was fuming and secretly campaigned for Bob's removal. MI6 are still on the case trying to recover the missing file.

So absent-minded Blunderbuss Bob has finally gone, and Britain is saved from his security slip-ups. The King of Leaks has pis**d away his last chance in the opulent toilet of opportunity.